a-ha.

It goes without saying that living in Paris is magical. There is so much to discover and there is beauty just about everywhere you look (excluding the Metro). Oh, and baguettes. And CHEESE. I didn't know I could love cheese so much (especially when paired with apples—mm, mmm). 

But I do like to keep things real and vulnerable in my little online space. I, of course, love to focus on the good, but I find it extremely important to be open about my struggles and challenges, wherever I'm living. That being said, here are two challenges I'm currently working through since living in Paris (I won't judge if you skip to the pictures).

1. The language.

As mentioned in my previous post, I had serious anxiety when coming here in regards to speaking French to locals. I took French in high school so I have a little bit of French up my sleeve, but not enough to ever carry a conversation with a Parisian. I was afraid that the Parisians would think I was an idiot and therefore I resisted speaking French when we first got here (Freddy, on the other hand, did not take French in high school and only knows French from Duolingo, yet has been largely undeterred in talking to people). It took me several days to find it within myself to be willing to make mistakes and look silly and try speaking French here. It still freaks me out and probably will for a long time. But I've found that if I'm at least willing to try, the people here are actually pretty patient. Yes, there is the occasional cashier who sighs in frustration, but the majority of the people we've encountered here have been really helpful. 

In times like this (when my spirit and body aren't getting along), I typically have big a-ha moments while studying my scriptures and something I read puts me in my place. On this occasion (a few days ago), it was a quote I had written on a sticky note in my scriptures:

"When our wagon gets stuck in the mud, God is much more likely to assist the man who gets out to push than the man who merely raises his voice in prayer—no matter how eloquent the oration."  

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

That quote coupled with these verses from the Book of Mormon is what hit me in the face: 

"Do ye suppose that the Lord will still deliver us, while we sit upon our thrones and do not make use of the means which the Lord has provided for us? . . . Repent . . . And begin to be up and doing." 

-Alma 60:21, 24

And then I realized that if I don't at least start trying, then I'm not going to get anywhere with my French. Freddy gave me a blessing a few weeks before we left, and in it, I was blessed that I would be able to learn French sooner and better than I expected. By refusing to even try, I was robbing myself of that blessing.

So the next day, I did the talking as we ran our errands. Never mind the fact that I had no idea what the people were saying in response to me... At least I talked to them in the first place. Making progress.

2. The style.

I admit; I did a fair amount of research on Parisian style before coming here. I wanted to fit in and look like a typical Parisian woman. We got here and upon observation, I soon realized that I was so out of my league. Despite carefully selecting each item of clothing I brought with Paris in mind, I couldn't get over how different I looked compared to a Parisian "it girl" (here's a good example). I spent way too much time picking out my outfits and worried about if I was wearing too little or too much makeup or if my shoes were functional yet elegant enough or if my new camera bag was too obviously brand new, etc, etc, etc. Bottom line is I worried too much. And it resulted in a lot of self-loathing. I felt fat, I felt ugly, I felt like a bumbling, stupid American.

Cue another a-ha, slap-in-the-face moment during scripture study (or multiple if I'm being honest)! 

"Their hearts are upon their treasures. Wherefore, their treasure is their god. And behold, their treasure shall perish with them also." -2 Nephi 9:30

Based on how much time and energy I was putting into curating my style/comparing myself to Parisian women, it was becoming my god in a sense. Not only that, it led me to forget where my worth comes from. My mind was brought back to the sorrowful days of junior high and high school where the popular girls ruled the roost and to look like them was to be as cool as them. Somehow I successfully managed to separate myself from worrying too much about that as a teenager, so I've been telling myself that I can do that here in Paris too. 

I am Maryn: hear me roar. I'm going to select my treasures carefully and allow myself to be fully myself, not who I think I should be as a woman living in Paris (although let's be real, Parisian style is mega on point). 

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And now for a photographic representation of our last week or so in Paris.

The first crepe of our stay! 

Walking down our charming street, Rue Mouffetard (apparently Ernest Hemingway wrote about it in one of his books, so that gives you an idea of how awesome it is)

We spent a few hours in my favorite place in Paris: Jardin du Luxembourg. It's a massive, gorgeous garden/park where locals (and tourists) go to read, meet up with friends, people watch, etc. It's my haven here.

 Just outside of Jardin du Luxembourg

The famous Shakespeare and Company! Can't remember how/why it's famous, but I do know that it is very hot and cramped inside. Awesome all the same! And so, so many books.

Bought our first macarons since arriving at a chocolate shop down the street from us. Rose and pistachio! We bought a nice chocolate bar from there as well on another occasion and we're set to be best friends with the shop owner.  

Other great moments from this past week:

• Bearing our testimonies in French at church (we may or may not have spent a good amount of time practicing them the day before)
• Going to the temple in Versailles and then attending a fireside given by Elder Kim Clark after 
• Going to the Musée de l'Orangerie for free! All the museums in Paris are free to enter on the first Sunday of the month (bet you can guess what we'll be doing after church every first Sunday of the month)
• Spending time with old and new friends here
• Watching some older French men playing pétanque, a form of bocce at Jardin du Luxembourg

And some phone photos because it's not a complete picture without them:

I've been using this app called Huji Cam that makes photos look like they were taken with a disposable camera... It makes my film shooter heart happy, so I'm rolling with it. 

At Musée de l'Orangerie. Monet's famous Nyphméas series. Hard to do it justice in a photo so I didn't try too hard.

Favorite shot of the week.

Picnicking with friends at Jardin du Luxembourg!

Until next week! Much love to you all.