lead, kindly light.

Back in the ninth grade, I became very well acquainted with two of my least favorite words: depression and anxiety. Ninth grade was a rough year for me – I was struggling with friends and quickly losing any self-esteem I had gradually built up over the years. From what I remember, the blue feelings would come and go every so often, but unfortunately after a while, those feelings just kind of stuck. Every day became a battle as I fought against the melancholy (“then why do I feel so mel-anch-o-ly?”) that seemed likely to stay forever. I made matters worse when I daringly cut my long locks in hopes of triggering a rediscovery of myself. In addition to not feeling like myself in spirit, I no longer looked like myself in person. It was terrifying. 

My depression (and later recognized anxiety) continued for several months and into my sophomore year of high school. It was during this time that I discovered that the only thing that could truly salve my misery was my Savior, Jesus Christ and His Atonement. I carried a prayer in my heart all day every day, hoping only to make it through the day. Each night became a time of vigorous study for me as I desperately searched for words of comfort in conference talks, scripture, and any other form of Gospel counsel. As I studied, I felt the spirit powerfully as feelings of peace and comfort came to me, assuring me that I would get through this hard time.

I was eventually able to free myself from depression, yet, as I look back on it, I know that it wasn’t all my doing. If anything, it was my Savior who freed me from the darkness I had been subject to for so long. The more trust I placed in Him as I prayed and studied the words of His prophets, the more I felt of His love, and the more confident I felt that I could be happy again.

During the worst moments of my depression, I would often sing the words of the hymn “Lead, Kindly Light” to myself: 

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom; 

Lead thou me on! 

The night is dark, and I am far from home; 

Lead thou me on!

 Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see 

The distant scene--one step enough for me.

I know without a doubt that the light that led me through “th’encircling gloom” was the light of the Savior and His teachings. That same light continues to lead me today through my various struggles and trials, and I am eternally grateful for it. Without it, I know I would be forever lost.

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